Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I Just Need A Moment

I'm sure I am as transparent as a sliding glass door but I want to do this post just once and then hopefully never again.

I am really, truly over being single. It's a real chore to be over 23 and single here in Utah. To my close friends and single friends I can voice my true opinion but to everyone else I feel like I have to play the "I'm single and it is super awesome" card. I feel like it is in everyone's best interest if I keep up the facade. While I do enjoy the freedoms that I have due to my single status, I am at the stage in life where I am ready to share opportunities and experiences.

It seems somewhat socially unacceptable to really discuss this. If you are in my position, you typically come off as pathetic. If you are a guy, you're a weirdo. So most people just keep their mouths shut. Why are those the only options? Sigh.

I was talking to my lovely and talented friend, Sariah, the other day. She is single and also here in Utah and we talked about options for staying here or moving. She is a truly amazing lady and I know without a doubt that she will find a wonderful spouse someday. She said the same thing about me and I appreciate it but I have to finally admit and say out loud that I really don't think I will ever get married. I'm not looking for any pity, I just have been feeling this way lately and I can't deny it.

I have never been in love even though several guys I've dated have told me they loved me. I don't get it, I never seem to attract the type of guy with whom I could have a real relationship. As humans I think most of us crave love and affection and the opportunity to give it back to someone. I have all those same wants but I 'm pretty sure I have to figure out how to redirect those feelings into something else. Like my nieces and nephews....lucky kids!

Thanks for letting me get it out. Now you know my secret, no judging!


Avis La Fin said...

Dear Sweet Rachel,
I'm a daily reader of your blog and have enjoyed it very much. You're a great and imaginative writer. I just had to respond to this post and assure you that you're okay and, someday you will marry. I feel sorry for single LDS girls because of the pressure you're under; no other phase of our society would see a girl only 23 as an old maid. You're a beautiful girl in body as well as in spirit, and you haven't met anyone yet simply because it isn't that time yet!! There will come your time, and you'll look back and laugh at your "desperation" over this subject. Remain prayerful, keep that marvelous sense of humor and certainly continue to serve others. The Lord is fully aware of your plight, and His fear is that you will begin to enjoy the single life (or the negativity of saying I'll never marry) that you wouldn't be ready when His timetable is set in motion. Hang in there!! Love, Sister Kennedy

Eliza said...
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Eliza said...

I feel ya Rachel and I'm not going to offer any advice because I'm not sure that is what you need or want.

But there's song that I love that says, "If you could only see what I see in you, you'd see the [wo]man you wish you could be."

I think you are incredible and you don't give yourself the credit you deserve.

rachel.a.rasmussen said...

So, I wish I knew you in real life instead of as Luke's friend whose blog I enjoy reading. Mostly because we tend to write posts of the same nature - I had one just like yours a few weeks ago . . . or last week? Anyway, I'm turning the big 2-5 in two weeks and have had those same feelings as you: I've got to redirect my energy elsewhere because I've felt since I was 15 like it was not in the cards for me in this life. Someday, if I make it up to Utah, we'll have to meet and lament together :) And we'll invite Luke along to entertain us with his wit.

Jerilyn said...

I have thought about posting about this topic exactly. Sometimes I feel like its the Elephant in the room, and I just want to express how I feel about it. Now I can just refer everyone to your post instead :) You put it into way better words than I could have! And honestly I think its really good and honest to feel like you do, so all power to you.

Crazy McWife said...
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Hannah said...

Rachel I know exactly how you feel... who am I kidding I'm engaged BUT I certainly did feel the whole "I'm obsessed with getting married" and it truly is hard. BUT chin up... know there are many girls who feel the same way (even as old as 30--gasp!).

Oh, and you probably wouldn't worry about it as much if you MOVED OUT OF UTAH! loooooove you.