Sunday, April 20, 2008

Cross Roads

As you have most likely noticed, I have not posted anything new lately. That is due to a myriad of things but today I feel as though I need to post.

School is out until summer school starts on April 30th. This has been a busy semester for me and I'm glad it's over but I still feel at a loss over it. How very odd. I have never felt this conflicted about school ending. It has been a trying semester in just about every possible aspect.

I feel like I have grown a lot this semester so I am grateful for it but I know that I am not yet full grown. A large part of growing is discomfort. When I was a little girl and I was going through my growth spurts I would have the worst leg pains at night. I was convinced that I had broken legs because it was so painful. I would then go downstairs, crying, and tell my mom that my legs were broken. She would give me an extra pillow and tell me to elevate my legs and I remember thinking that my mom was nuts because how could a little elevation mend broken bones? Anyway, my point is that while I have grown a lot this semster, I have hurt a lot too, and still hurt from time to time. And this time, a little elevation doesn't help.

I was speaking with a friend earlier tonight and we talked about how we acted when we were getting to know each other. This friend prefers to stay more reserved until he is comfortable with people then he can reveal his true personality. I am the opposite, when I first meet someone I tend to be a bit over the top to quell any awkwardness and then once I get to know them, I am myself. When we met it was pretty difficult to break through to him, he didn't seem to want to talk so I would just yammer on and on and would think "He must think I'm an absolute moron". I think we're good now. I think people find it odd that I start out being wild and crazy and then I settle into a more reserved, deep thinker type. I don't want to be that anymore. I want to be myself at all times and stop putting on a show. Wild and crazy has it's place, but sometimes I display it as though those are the only personality characteristics I possess.

I have no idea where tht last paragraph came from but I think I needed to write it, it's what is going on in my head and this is my blog so stop reading if you hate it.

I am going through such an identity crisis right now, not the "I'm going to freak out, cash in my 401K and buy a Miata" sort of crisis, more of a "I have had so many new experiences lately and they are all changing my perspective, so who am I?" sort of crisis. I have heard that your 20's is the "decade of decisions" and I feel as though that is 100% applicable to me. It seems as though every week I am faced with another one of life's big decisions and I'm not sure I want to continue making them. Will they stop if I just ignore them? Or will other people be forced to make them for me?

So sorry for the deep thoughts but I had to get them off my chest and it's 3am so it seems realy urgent to do this right now. i'm sure I'll read this later and laugh at my ridiculous self. But you know what? That's great because at least I'll be laughing. Love you.

4 comments:

Shanna & Gregg Scott said...

SUICIDAL?! NO, A BIT DERANGED MAYBE BUT NOT SUICIDAL ;) YOU ARE GREAT AND FUNNY DOES SAID FREIND IN THE BLOG HAVE THIS BLOG ADDRESS? THAT WOULD BE A GREAT TIME TO HEAR HIS THOUGHTS HE HE. i JUST THINK YOUR FUNNY AND SEXCELLENT! HAVE A BLAST IN LAS VEGAS LOVE YA, SHAY

meghan said...

"life decisions." hmm. seems to me like you are struggling with whether or not to reveal your true sexual orientation. i knew it!

Tira said...

sounds like you need to get your butt down here and hang out with me.... i think utah is getting to you. can you say "quarter-life crisis"??

Shaeli said...

Im sure that it is weird that I am reading/commenting on your blog. Although I'd have to say that I feel like I know you after listening to Meghan talk to you over the phone about life. Arrested Development maybe? Or could it be our hottie we met that plays football at Dixie High?

Anyways, I'd have to say that I feel I can relate to everything you've said on your post (This includes current overwhelming school festivities, overly extroverted behavior with people I first meet, identity crisis, etc.)Its actually quite weird, really. Are you like a mind reader of something of sorts?